This afternoon I received an email from Holt stating they had submitted the paperwork for our baby's emigration permit on January 12th (AKA: EP) I was baffled. You see, on November 2, 2009, I received an email stating our baby's emigration permit was already approved. I was, of course, delighted because this is a key document and can and does hold people up and slow down the process. So I asked Holt what was going on and sent them the old email. They apologetically explained that the original "approval" I received in November was for our first baby, Brooke, not Addison. They of course were very apologetic and I do understand how the confusion happened; lots of families, lots of babies, lots of paperwork, mistakes will happen.
I, on the other hand, am upset. The Emigration permit was the only thing we've had go smoothly. It was fast, and it was the one "key" pieces of paperwork which we no longer needed to wait on. Instead, we now find out we will indeed have to wait on it. I can't even begin to articulate how discouraged and upset I am. Truly, I'm a wreck. When I say, "We've had nothing go smoothly" that is in no way an exaggeration. I know we throw around all inclusive words like "nothing" and "always" without meaning them, but I really do mean that NOTHING has gone smoothly; absolutely nothing.
Before you berate me for not being a good Christian or for being ungrateful, please note, I do understand that God is sovereign over this adoption. I understand that these circumstances are ones he has allowed. I fully know and believe that God will work it out for my good. I truly do intellectually agree with the saying, "God's timing is best." All of this I fully affirm and know very well, but the fact remains, I am human. I have emotions and right now I am emotionally exhausted and my heart is breaking…again. I'm to the point that I do not have the emotional fortitude to get up and scrounge for even a one morsel of good news because everytime I find one, I turn around to be slapped in the face. Maybe that's a harsh analogy, but I'm not in the mood to sugar coat it today. I am sad, I am at the end of my rope, and I just want to either burst into tears, or scream. I can't decide which would feel better…so I've done neither. I truly don't know how to cope or even how to think. To give you just a small glimpse into our situation; there are several families who had were matched with their babies in September who have already traveled to Korea. We, on the other hand, aren't even half way there. 3 ½ months later, and we've only had one piece of paperwork arrive; Her legals. That's it.
I know that if she ever ends up in my arms this will all melt away into the trivia of life, but that is so far away it holds no comfort right now, especially if you consider the fact that her birthmother could come back at any time and legally take her back. I'm just simply drowning right now, and I can't see any way to cope, or go forward with a smile on my face. I'm sure I'll come around, but right now this is really, really difficult. This arduous path is overwhelming me to the point of wanting to quit.
I just ask for your prayers, because clearly, I need them. I would also love for you to send me scriptures that God may lay on your heart. I really need God's word right now, not shallow platitudes. God has been very good to surround Mark and I with such good friends who love and support us and we are very thankful for you all.
"Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your sercant; for I am in distress; make haste to asnwer me."