Saturday, January 23, 2010

Holding loosely

Still struggling. Still battling anger and grappling with despair; 4 months later and we're not even close. I mean not close at all. No Emigration Permit, no i600, nothing…we have nothing. Now the National Visa Center is backlogged with Haitian visas they're rushing through…and rightfully so, I commend them for this, it must be done, I'm glad its being done! Please do this! God bless them!!!!…but its just one more thing. Every day its just another thing. How did I end up here? Why am I here? I have no idea. I have no fight left in me. I have come to this conclusion; If I ever hold this baby it will be an act of God; nothing short of a miracle.

So with that in mind, I am not calling one more person. I'm not sending one more email. I'm not checking on anything. I am not lifting a finger. For the past 4 months I have done nothing but, call, email, write letters, track down paperwork and run to FedEx to get documents where they need to be, and It has done nothing to help us. I've spent more money on overnighting papers that I can count, and for what? …so they can sit on a desk, untouched. I can't do it any more. I'm tired. I'm defeated. I'm spent and I'm not lifting a finger. If this baby is to be a part of our family, then God Himself will have to orchestrate it, because I'm not God, and I can't do anything about it. This is His issue. I lay it squarely at His feet. Sweet Ha-Seon is His baby and He will do as He wishes with her future. I hope I am included in it, but I have no guarantee of this. Admittedly, it is nearly impossible to hold so loosely onto something so precious, but it is good to know that she is tightly held in the hands of God who is always good, even now, even when I don't understand, even when I'm frustrated, even when I can't stand it, even when I just cry, He is good. Maybe God's been waiting for me to lay it down. Humm...I'm clearly a very slow learner.

Job 2:10 "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

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