I wake up every morning angry; angry I'm still waiting; angry that the immigration officer won't approve my i600; angry she waited to mail the fingerprint forms; angry it took 10 weeks to get legals, angry we don't have an Emigration Permit; angry my baby is half way around the world and I can't hold her and no one seems to care, and no one can, or is willing, to help. Angry I'm still waiting while others have their babies in their arms; Angry this has taken almost two years; Anger - I wake up with it eating at my soul and then I spend the next hour begging God to take it away and fill me with His Holy Spirit; begging God will just grant me a heart that rests in Him and doesn't fester and grow like cancer; pleading he will strengthen me and give me hope that is grounded in Him, not in an i600 approval and admitting I can't I can't even begin to bring him glory or be anything He wants me to be without his complete intervention in my life. I just pray daily that God will tether my heart to Him, because if He doesn't hold me in His tight, unshakable grip, I will dive off the cliff of self-pity and despair. I used to think I was so strong in my walk with Him, and now I see I am so weak. Apart from Him I would completely self-destruct. I am reminded of this truth daily.
"O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above."
("Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" Hymn written by Robert Robinson; 1735-1790)