Monday, January 18, 2010

Bind my Wandering Heart…

I wake up every morning angry; angry I'm still waiting; angry that the immigration officer won't approve my i600; angry she waited to mail the fingerprint forms; angry it took 10 weeks to get legals, angry we don't have an Emigration Permit; angry my baby is half way around the world and I can't hold her and no one seems to care, and no one can, or is willing, to help. Angry I'm still waiting while others have their babies in their arms; Angry this has taken almost two years; Anger - I wake up with it eating at my soul and then I spend the next hour begging God to take it away and fill me with His Holy Spirit; begging God will just grant me a heart that rests in Him and doesn't fester and grow like cancer; pleading he will strengthen me and give me hope that is grounded in Him, not in an i600 approval and admitting I can't I can't even begin to bring him glory or be anything He wants me to be without his complete intervention in my life. I just pray daily that God will tether my heart to Him, because if He doesn't hold me in His tight, unshakable grip, I will dive off the cliff of self-pity and despair. I used to think I was so strong in my walk with Him, and now I see I am so weak. Apart from Him I would completely self-destruct. I am reminded of this truth daily.

"O to grace how great a debtor

daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter,

bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

prone to leave the God I love;

here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above."

("Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" Hymn written by Robert Robinson; 1735-1790)


  1. Praying your paperwork speeds up and your baby is in your arms soon...thank you for the honest and emotionally raw post. Many of us would not be so transparent, but truly have these emotions!

  2. I am so sorry Heather, I wish there was something that I could do. I want you to know that I and my bible study ladies have been praying for you and your family. They ask me for updates on you every week. I will keep praying that God will give you the peace that you desire.