Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Following My Shepherd

Sunday morning I posted a poem written by CS Lewis on my blog. It was entitled "How to Avoid a Broken Heart." Here is the poem:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.

It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable"

I reminded me so much of adoption. Adoption requires you to really put your heart out there. There is great risk of heart break, and sadness in this process…and I don't think it matters what route you take; international or domestic…heartbreak is always a viable possibility. Adoption is hard. It's hard for the birthparents, hard for the adoptive parents, and especially difficult for those children involved. It represents a painful experience where loss and sadness, is often mingled with joy. It's a strange place - an odd journey. Not exactly what I had planned or imagined. I had such lofty, na├»ve ideas of it at the beginning, and now I see that it is difficult, painful, long, and something that requires much of everyone involved. No one involved in adoption is immune from the difficulties, the heartbreak, the tears; no one.

I never imagined my heart would be so torn over the photo of two little girls. I never imagined the fear I would feel knowing I could lose them at any time. I never envisioned I would lose any child, but I did. I never thought I would ever be so emotionally spent. It honestly never crossed my mind. But at the beginning I was very uninformed and silly. I don't say that to deter anyone. Its worth it. I can say that even though my baby is not in my arms because regardless of the outcome I know that Mark & I have followed our Saviour on the path He led us. Regardless of what happens; good or bad, that is my whole purpose in living; to follow my Shepherd. I'll never know what the path has in store for me and it is better I don't know.

I do however know my Jesus is good, and anything He does is for my benefit and His glory. I may not understand it all here in this mortal life, but someday, when I see his precious face I will know He was worth whatever cost he asked me to pay. My life is short, but my eternity is certain.

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